Bruises (Pray to the Masochist)
by Crystal Volcheck
Summary: "The bruises, missing work, canceling plans, and the weird behavior." Sam's voice softened considerably, he looked at Dean with pity. "I don't care that you're gay, but I'm not going to sit back and watch my brother be in an abusive relationship." In which Dean has been keeping secrets, Sam makes assumptions, and misunderstandings almost get Castiel arrested.


Dean Winchester had found that not only could his life never be simple, he could never be happy for long. Or maybe he just wasn't allowed to be happy ever which was why Dean was dreading the conversation that was to come when he inadvertently revealed the minor rope burns around his wrists to his younger brother. It would destroy the small bit of happiness that he had built up in the cluster-fuck he called his life and all because he had y asked for a towel to dry his hands after washing the dishes, not once thinking about the marks or how the marks got there curiosity of his roommate turned fuck buddy turned…well boyfriend was too juvenile and partner had a long-term connotation that he wasn't quite comfortable with using in their relationship at this point in time. Still whatever they were now, was not something Sam knew about, in fact Dean wasn't certain if Sam had ever actually met Cass.

"Dean?" Fuck. He could hear the worry in Sam's voice the soft gentle tone the always made Dean's stomach twist with guilt because Sam wasn't supposed to worry about him. He was the older brother; he was the one who was supposed to worry, not the other way around. For a moment he wasn't quite sure how to respond but settled on using one of his very few talents to get out of what could be a very awkward and uncomfortable discussion.

"It's nothing Sammy, met this chick who was into bondage and figured I'd test out a few kinks." The lie came easy; he even gave a playful smirk at the end, and based on the way his brother's nose wrinkled in disgust Sam had believed it.

"Gross." And the conversation was over, Dean rolling his sleeves back down to cover the burns once more. But it wasn't really over because he had missed the opportunity to come clean to Sammy, let him know about Cass and why he hadn't been by to visit more often. The guilt was overwhelming, twisting his stomach and settling in his chest in a way that had Dean afraid to breathe. "But I am glad to see you; I thought you'd be dropping in all the time."

"Hey, no need for chick flick moments man, work has just been keeping me busy." Actually Cass had been keeping him busy; Cass's adoptive father, Zachariah, had passed away which lead to a thousand legal issues as well as yet another fallout in the family as the siblings fought over who should get what even though Zachariah's ex-wife Naomi was still in the picture.

Although if Dean was being honest with himself, Cass was more of an excuse not to drop in every other day since was more or less guilt keeping him away? Guilt that had been eating at him since Sam went away to Stanford; their father had been a useless abusive drunk so Dean pushed his brother to go away and follow his dreams. It had worked for a while, but then a short in the wiring of Sam's apartment lead to Sam losing his girlfriend Jessica, which lead to Sam going into a downward spiral into the arms of Ruby (a delightful runaway turned drug addict). It had also been around that time that their dad was killed in a drunk driving accident, their dad had been the drunk driver of course.

That on top of a major fight with Dean and an accidental overdose had Sam returning to Sioux Falls, where he moved in with Bobby while he got help and detoxed. Those had been some rough months to say the least, both brothers tiptoeing around each other until Bobby locked them in the panic room for a much needed heart-to-heart. Which did improve their relationship for the most part, but Dean wasn't sure he would have been able to manage through it without Cass. The blue-eyed man always knew what Dean needed and was always able to see past the brick walls that he would put up to keep others out, it was during those dark days that Cass took him apart and put him back together.

Dean almost laughed at the memory of when he first met Cass years ago, although back then he was Castiel and Dan had thought that Cass was nothing more than a stuffy theology professor who knew nothing of how to care for a car. In fact they had hardly been able to stand each other, but they may have been more on his part given that it had been an already bad day when Cass came into the auto shop. It wasn't until Cass came into the Roadhouse while Dean was bartending that the preconceived notions he had about the man changed and they began a tentative friendship that changed into something indescribable months later when Benny moved out and Cass moved in.

Just thinking about Cass, all blue eyes and sex appeal wrapped up in a rumpled trench coat, made Dean breathe easier. Although that wasn't the case as he thought about what was under that trench coat, including the dark tattered wings tattooed on the man's back, they started at his shoulder blades and then curved going across and down the back of his arms, stopping at the elbow. Cass has other tattoos, but the wings are his favorite given that he likes to imagine he can feel each individual line that makes them up under his fingers when Cass is fucking him to the mattress. The wings are also his favorite for another reason; Cass is like his own personal angel who pulled him from the depths of Hell and stopped him from putting a bullet through his brain when there seemed to be no end to all the pain he was going through.

"Dean!" At the sound of Sam's voice he jumped; the worried expression had returned to Sam's face and Dean silently cursed himself for getting distracted.

"Sorry Sammy, what was it you were saying?"

"I asked if you wanted to watch Gran Torino."

"Of course, when have I never turned down a Clint Eastwood movie?"

"Are you sure you're okay Dean? You seem a bit…off." The universe hated him, which was only explanation behind why he kept finding himself in the situations that would lead to the long awkward and emotional conversation he was not ready for.

"I'm fine Sammy, maybe just a bit tired; I didn't get much sleep last night and you know work is pretty draining to begin with."

"Maybe you should get your hours cut back; I know you think you can do everything, but you're going to run yourself into the ground."

"I'll be fine, I always have. Now can we watch the damn movie?" Sam relented, but Dean couldn't focus once they got settled on the couch in the living room, each with a beer in hand. Even after the movie ended and Dean prepared to leave he could see that Sam wanted to talk, wanted to know what was going on his head. God he hoped that Cass was still awake, because he needed to lose control and forget about what a disaster tonight had been.

As luck would have it, Cass was sound asleep stretched out across their bed and snoring so Dean stripped down to his boxer briefs and crawled in next to him, resisting his urge to curl up against Cass like he normally would and settled on a deep sigh instead as he turned so his back was towards Cass. Then Dean felt the weight on the bed shift and soon Cass was pressed against him, a skinny arm draping over his waist and lips brushing the back of his neck.

"What happened?" The sound of Cass's sleep filled voice made Dean melt, but his stomach twist with guilt, after all Cass had a class to teach tomorrow and didn't need to be kept awake because Dean was a candy ass when it came to emotions.

"Nothing, don't worry about it. How was your day?"

"Same as usual, I dealt with ungrateful brats and then had 30 papers to grade. Nice try at deflecting Dean, but you're obviously upset so I'm going to worry about it." Several minutes of silence passed, Dean knew Cass wouldn't push him for answers, but he would wait for answers.

Finally Dean caved knowing that if he didn't spill his guts neither of them would get any sleep. "I wasn't thinking and Sam saw the bruises from the other night."

A moment of silence followed the soft "oh," that passed Cass's lips before the man spoke again, "Then you told Sam about us?" Cass sounded so hopeful that Dean hated to tell him the truth.

"No, I made up some story about picking up a chick that was into bondage." A chuckle came from Cass and Dean then resisted the huge to elbow the man in the stomach.

"Well, that's not entirely wrong."

"It's not funny! You should have seen Sammy's face, he was fucking terrified that I was seriously hurt and I couldn't tell him the truth!" Dean had turned over now so that he was facing Cass, but he was also rambling. "Fuck, Cass how would I even begin to explain what we have to him? He still only thinks you're my roommate, Hell, he hasn't even met you! And I want you to meet him, I know you want to meet him; that you've been asking to meet what's left of my family, since I've already met most of yours, but when the opportunity came up I fucking froze because how am I going to have to tell my little brother that not only am I bisexual, I'm masochistic and need to be hurt every so often? Which is like beyond 50 shades of fucked up, but that hardly matters because I'm already a fucking failure-"He was cut off by warm chapped lips capturing his mid-sentence.

"Dean Winchester, you are far from a failure, you have always given more than you needed to give and for that reason I love you. And yes, I do want to meet Sam, but I already told you I'll wait until you're ready for him to meet me as something other than your roommate."

"But Cass-"

"I'm not going to force you to do anything you don't want to do and you can trust that I won't force you do anything you don't want to do. If you're still uncomfortable about Sam knowing the true extent of our relationship, I won't leave marks anywhere Sam could see them. It doesn't solve the problem, but I want you to be comfortable." Dean considered Cass's words, weighing each one, trying to figure out just how to respond. There were too many things going on at once and he was tired so very tired and just wanted one day to figure everything out, but that wouldn't happened. "Dean its okay, you don't have to be the one saving the world and making everyone happy every waking moment. Just let me take care of you alright?"

"Alright." Then Cass was kissing him again, pulling back long enough to say three little words. Three simple words falling from Cass's lips are all it takes to break him down, to pull the very essence of his being to the surface and leave him raw, and fuck, if that isn't terrifying, Dean doesn't know what is. But for now Dean just wants to hear those three words over and over again as Cass pushes him on to his back and straddles him. Then Cass catches Dean's bottom lip between his teeth and he's gone, lost in desperate, hungry touches that leave bruises and rough kisses that turn into sharp nips that have Dean knowing that he'll wake up tomorrow covered with bite marks.

Those bite marks are the first thing he notices when the alarm goes off at 5 in the morning and he stumbles in to the bathroom to piss and take a shower. None of the marks are anywhere where anyone could see and the bruises on his hips are still tender, he has to suppress a curse when he presses his thumb against one. That little bit of pain calms him after all that happened last night comes bubbling to the surface of his mind. In particular, Cass made a suggestion to him in the afterglow right before they fell asleep, that perhaps he should give therapy another try, that there were options outside of Crowley.

Dean's so lost in thought that he didn't realize Cass was awake until the man was standing behind him; he jumped, startled and glared at the man who he's pretty certain is the love of his life even if he's never been able to say it outright. Not when his greatest fear is that Cass will stop being stupid, see him for the fuck-up that he really is and leave, which is something Dean has been waiting to happen for almost a year now. Maybe it really was time to go back to therapy; obviously his issues were not going to go away any time soon.

"What are you doing up so early, your first class isn't until 1 in the afternoon." The first thing Dean learned about Cass from living with him was that the man was far from a morning person, even if the man got to sleep in until 10, coffee was needed for him to even begin to function.

"Couldn't sleep, wanted to see if you were okay after last night." The words were mostly jumbled together but Dean understood and suddenly felt like shit. Cass didn't need to be worrying over him, he had done that enough when his Dad died and Sam came home a junkie and he found himself on the path to becoming an alcoholic. Instead he should be the one worrying over Cass, with the ongoing fighting of who gets what. Although Cass could care less about it, his siblings were apparently power hungry monsters with the exception of Gabriel and Anna, matters were made worse by the fact that Zachariah's death had been sudden and a will had yet to be found.

"Yeah, it's just been crazy with everything that has been going on in the last few months. It's like the minute it seems like we're finally going to get some peace, something or someone just has to come right in and fuck everything up. Or I just fuck everything up, because that's what I'm good at." It seemed like today was going to be a day of self-loathing and coffee, because last night he had been careless and hadn't thought about Sam seeing the bruises on his arms. He had only been thinking about how nice it was to see Sam and have some sense of normalcy which had been missing from their lives for several years.

"Dean, I wish you would believe me when I tell you that it's not your fault these things happen and that you're not a failure or a fuck-up."

"I'm sorry Cass; I don't know what's gotten in to me." He was trying to figure out how something as simple as his brother seeing a little rope burn had sparked the waves of emotion and dark thoughts to come surging forward, but some times that was all it took, just one tiny word could start an avalanche, especially if the rocks weren't stable to begin with. "I'm honestly starting to think I'm cursed."

"I need you, cursed or not." The words are spoken so softly that Dean almost misses them and he turns to pull Cass into a kiss despite the morning breath they both have.

When they part Dean presses their foreheads together and stares into those endless blue eyes and says what he had forgotten to say last night, those three goddamn words (plus one) that can bring him to his knees, "I need you too."

Over the next several weeks things got better in some ways and worse in others, Cass's family got their shit together, which meant that no one got anything, all of Zachariah's assets went to either major companies or charities. Of course Cass had said he wasn't surprised and that his siblings were idiots to think anyone was going to get anything, although that wasn't going to stop Michael and Lucifer from fighting over who got control of Zachariah's company. Still with that settled Cass had more time to focus on Dean's needs which certainly helped ground him and give him the extra push to start seeing Tessa, a therapist recommended to him by Benny. She had so far been doing wonders helping him work through his mountain of issues.

It may have helped that Cass, of course, was with him every step of the way. Even when Tessa had suggested that he may have Masochistic Personality Disorder despite the fact that it hadn't been recognized in _The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders_ and Dean told Cass that he would be better off without him using that possible diagnosis as evidence that he was in fact a fucked up mess. It had been an ugly fight that followed, with plenty of tears and screaming. At one point Cass had actually shoved him against a wall and held in there so he couldn't run away and drink himself into a stupor which was his usual response for when things went to Hell. Things had been tense for a while after, Dean even crashing on Bobby's couch for a night or two, which almost lead to him having a fight with Sam. It had to be sheer luck that he convinced Sam that everything was fine, Cass was just in one of his moods and he had had a bad day. Although now that he thought about it, Sam probably wasn't convinced and had let the topic go to keep Dean from running off to god-knows where in the middle of the night, because if Dean couldn't drink then he would run.

After the fight everything started to settle again and Dean and Cass could be in the same room long enough without screaming at each other that everything Cass had said to him, that he loved him, that nothing would ever change that, that Dean was his entire world; that he would give up everything if it meant that Dean would be safe and happy and loved, had started to click and they became closer than before which was not something Dean had thought was possible. Knowing and finally believing what Cass had said brought him a new sense of comfort, even if it didn't shake the self-doubt and self-loathing that he still felt.

However, between work, Cass, and therapy, Dean had even less time to see his younger brother and although he had been able to drop by for an hour or two once a week in addition to calling a bit more frequently it wasn't enough. Or more it was Tessa pointing out that he needed to start repairing the relationship between him and his brother, which meant taking the time to be honest with him face to face had triggered Dean to find any excuse he could not to see Sam. Especially when the few visits he had gone through with had ended with Dean stumbling over his words and saying that he was okay, letting the lies fall just as easy if not easier than before because he didn't want to disappoint Sam further with the truth. Then when Dean found himself on the phone with Sam after three weeks of no visiting, Sam had actually hung up on him the second he tried to tell Sam that he was busy. The already strained relationship they had seemed to be reaching a breaking point and that terrified Dean more than ever, because he had already let Sam down too many times.

So when Sam called two days later and asked to meet him for lunch, Dean agreed to without hesitation, even if he felt like he was going to be sick.

"You're worrying over nothing, Dean." Cass stated never once looking up from the stack of papers he was currently grading. "Sam probably just wants to make sure you're okay, he's not used to you being so independent after all." Okay, that does make sense considering he and Sam grew up in each other's back pockets. And although Sam was fiercely independent, Dean had always been rather clingy and no matter what Sam did or where he went Dean wanted to be right alongside him. Maybe Sam could handle clingy Dean, but had no idea how to cope without Dean being an overbearing and overprotective pain in the ass.

"Maybe you're right." A snort came from Cass as if to say, _of course I'm right idiot, you always overthink everything. _It was nice that their relationship, even if it was far from perfect, was at least back on track.

"What time did you have to meet with Sam again?"

"We're supposed to meet at the Roadhouse around Two-ish." As he spoke, Dean watched with interest as Cass glanced at the clock before meeting Dean's eyes and setting the paper he was in the middle of grading down.

"You know I read somewhere that orgasms are supposed to relieve not only stress, but also headaches and these papers are starting to give me a headache." There was a wicked twist to Cass's smile and Dean was happy for Cass to offer a distraction.

And distracted he was until he was nearly an hour late, pulling into the small parking lot of The Roadhouse. Being late made him more nervous than before, it made him feel like he had let Sam down even further even if Cass was technically the reason he was running behind, but he pushed those very unclean thoughts from his mind.

"I thought you'd forgotten about me, you've been so busy lately." Was the first thing he heard when he reached their usual table at the Roadhouse and if it hadn't been one of the bitchiest things Dean had ever heard come out of Sam's mouth, he would let Cass drive Baby for a week.

"Well hello to you two. What's got your panties in a twist, Samantha?" Of course Dean made the mistake of dropping into his seat like he always did and let out a hiss of pain, Cass was never one to break promises, but he was often wrong, so maybe Dean wouldn't be aching for the next week.

He had hoped Sam wouldn't have noticed his wince, but the way his brother's jaw tightened, it was clear that Sam had noticed, although fortunately for Dean he didn't say anything about it, instead his expression softened, "Look man, I'm sorry, I'm just used to seeing you more often and even though you say you're busy I feel like you're avoiding me."

As if Dean didn't feel like shit enough already, "Two things: first, try not to turn this into a chick flick moment and second that's crazy talk. Everything is just a little crazy down at the shop, plus…"Dean trailed off, it was now or never. "Cass has been dealing with a lot of shit and he's a dorky little dude who needs someone to look out from him." That wasn't exactly a lie, it wasn't the whole truth, but it wasn't a lie. Nevertheless, Sam didn't look happy.

"Wait. Your roommate is the reason you haven't had time to visit even though you live like a half-hour away? I'm not buying it. Why can't you be honest with me? I'm your brother and I'd like to know what's going on in your life." Then Sam froze a look of panic crossing his face, "You're not _sick_, are you?"

"The fuck Sam?" Dean nearly shouted gaining the attention of everyone at the Roadhouse, out of the corner of his eye he caught Benny peering out of the kitchen, thankfully it was a Thursday afternoon and there weren't many people to begin with. Soon enough everyone went back to minding their own business and Dean's attention went back to Sam.

"I checked with Bobby and Ellen you've either been leaving early or taking days off, which isn't normal for you. I was actually amazed that you agreed to lunch since you've cancelled on me more than once over the last few weeks. The only thing that comes to mind is that you've been taking time for medical reasons and now you're going to deliver the bad news in some way that doesn't make me feel like the world is ending." Now Dean felt sick, his stomach twisting into knots. He hadn't thought about how his actions looked to his brother. God, he felt like a dick, actually worse than that.

"I'm not...sick, I'm the opposite actually, healthy as a horse." Maybe lying was a reflex for him or something, either way Dean resisted the urge to chew his bottom lip, searching for the right words that wouldn't make Sam hate him if he ever came clean with everything going on in his life. "If there was something, anything wrong with me that I couldn't handle, I would come to you for help, okay Sammy?"

"You promise Dean?" There was a tone in Sam's voice, the same tone he had when he was seven and made Dean promise that there were no clowns under the bed or in the closet.

"Yeah, I promise. Now can we cut the feelings crap and get some food because I am starving."

After an awkward and uncomfortable lunch Dean began to make to seeing Sam a priority again, but it seemed like Sam was uncertain of how to take Dean's sudden increase in visits. He would watch Dean like a hawk watching a rabbit and that made Dean's skin crawl even if it meant that Cass had to continue being creative with where he left marks during their more intense scenes. Actually it scared Dean a bit; that Sam didn't trust him enough to believe him when he said that he was fine and what was more frightening was the rare moments where Dean couldn't hide a wince of pain from accidently bumping a fresh bruise or when he sat to long and his still sore muscles would make him groan in protest. It was easy to say that it was a combination of not getting any younger and work not getting any easier, but every time he said that Sam would get a look on his face that told Dean that he wasn't quite buying it.

It was starting to wear on him and it was starting to wear on Cass as well, the blue-eyed man trying his best to comfort him. In fact Cass had surprised him one day by stopping in at the shop and taking him for lunch, it couldn't have been more perfectly timed since Bobby had left and it was only Charlie and Garth in that day.

A small moment of peace that Dean should have known would be the calm before the storm, because the next day in the middle of making coffee Sam was pounding on the door of his apartment. He had barely opened the door before his younger moose of a brother came barreling in, slamming the door behind him.

"Who is he Dean?"

"The fuck Sam? Take it down a few notches." Dean winced at his brother's tone and glanced down the hall, waiting to hear the bedroom door open and have Cass come stumbling out in the nude to see what was going on, but it seemed that Cass was completely out and oblivious to the raging moose that was now in the apartment.

"Is he here?"

"You're going to have to specify who "he" is, dumbass." He couldn't help but add as he made his way to the small kitchen for coffee, more irritated than angry at Sam's sudden arrival; it was too damn early in the morning to be dealing with this shit.

"The bastard who's been using you as a punching bag, Dean. Where is he?" If Dean hadn't been awake before he certainly was in that moment, the mug falling from his hand and shattering on the floor.

"Shit, that was Cass's favorite mug, "he hissed looking at the mess of ceramic and hot coffee, before turning to his brother to question the statement that had made him drop the yellow mug with 'Bee Happy' written across it in black. "What the Hell are you talking about? No one's been using me as a 'punching bag' where did you even get that idea?"

Before Sam could respond another voice joined in, "Dean?" Time seemed to stop in the seconds that followed Castiel's arrival and Dean only had a moment to thank Heaven that Cass had put on a pair of pajama pants before coming out before he was throwing himself between his brother and Cass.

"Fuck! Sam chill the fuck out." He could hear himself shouting as he worked to pull Sam away from Cass, his brother throwing punches and insults, some (many) of those punches catching him instead. "Son of bitch!" Eventually Dean shoved Sam down on the couch and after a few more minutes of yelling, was able to speak; "You okay Cass?"

"I'm fine Dean." Taking Cass's word for it Dean turned his attention back to his younger brother.

"Now I don't know what the fuck is going on, so, I'm going to let you go and you're going to tell me why you decided to show up at the ass crack of dawn to beat the shit out of my partner."

After a moment of silence Sam finally spoke up glancing over to where Castiel stood at the doorway of the kitchen looking afraid to even breathe, "Your partner?"

"Yes, partner. I love pie Sam, but sometimes the cake is just too good to pass up, I take it that's not what the problem is, is it?" Out of the corner of his eye, Dean caught a small smile cross Castiel's lips before the man went into the kitchen, they hadn't discussed if the relationship was going to be long term and where they stood, although that was more on Dean's side. It seemed like a good time as any to let Cass know that this was it, he was thinking about being in for the long haul, especially after the past several weeks of fighting between them. A deep sigh sounded from the kitchen and Dean fought back a chuckle at the soft "Oh, I liked that mug."

"Sorry angel, I know that was your favorite one."

Cass returned with a wet hand towel, "I'm certain Gabriel can find me another one like it." He pressed the towel to Dean's lower lip and the man let out a low hiss, he hadn't even realized that Sam has managed to split his lip in his fit of blind rage. Dean took the towel then and Cass nodded in silent understanding, Sam was still volatile and having Cass so close could set him off again. Even as Cass left to clean up the mess in the kitchen before retreating back down the hall, Sam watched him with disgust, hands clutched tight ready for the blue-eyed man to make one wrong move.

Once the tense silence was broken by the sound of the shower starting and Dean was positive that his lips had stopped bleeding he spoke up, "Now, what the fuck is your problem?"

"Drop the act Dean, I figured it out."

Dean tensed, uncertain as to where Sam was going with that statement. "Figured what out exactly?"

"The bruises, missing work, canceling plans, and the weird behavior." Sam's voice softened considerably, he looked at Dean with pity. "I don't care that you're gay, but I'm not going to sit back and watch my brother be in an abusive relationship."

Dean wanted to feel anger, rage, but instead he just felt hurt and confused at Sam's words. His brother thought he was in an abusive relationship?

"What?"

"I know Dean, I know that you think you love him or that you think that you deserve to be hurt, but letting someone beat the shit out of you isn't love. It isn't normal, it isn't right. He's just using you." As Sam continued to speak Dean wanted to laugh, scream, and cry all at once, even if he could convince Sam that Cass wasn't abusive there was no way he could explain everything else. What was he supposed to say, that he wasn't in an abusive relationship, but the bruises on his arms were in fact caused by Cass? Or that his boyfriend doesn't beat him per say, but he get offs on being pushed around and called a whore? He could feel himself starting to shake as he thought of what he could actually tell Sam, what he was actually willing to tell him.

"That's not how it is, Sammy."

"Then it wasn't his hand print I saw on your shoulder a few weeks ago? I talked to Charlie after I saw you leave the shop with him yesterday, and then I talked to Benny. Both of them said you and Cass have been a thing for months now and the more I thought about it, that's also when you started acting differently, but it's obviously gotten worse, as most abusive relationships do." Sam had gone into lawyer mode as Dean liked to call it, the younger Winchester laying out details and evidence to support his side. "I'm just trying to help Dean, I mean I know you like to play hero and think that as long as you're with him then no one else will get hurt by him, but it's going to get worse Dean. If you're scared-"

"Stop and listen to me okay: I am not scared. I am not leaving Cass because Cass is not abusive and if you try to suggest that he is one more fucking time, I will throw your ass out of here faster than a Wendigo can run."

"Then what is going on? What do you want me to think, when all the evidence from my side points to the same fucking thing?" Sam began to raise his voice again causing Dean to flinch, and for a moment he wondered how Sam would react to being told that he had their father's temper. That was the thought that broke him.

"I don't know! I don't know what the fuck is going on, because any time I think things are finally starting to turn out okay I fuck something up. Dad was right, I am nothing but a useless fuck up who let's everyone down. I promised Dad that I would keep you safe and you almost ended up dying. I promised you that I wouldn't let anything ruin what little is left of our family, but we're worse off than before. I promised Cass that I would come clean to you about our relationship, but I was too chicken shit to do that. Just like I was too chicken shit to put a bullet through my brain months ago and fuck I wish I hadn't because then this would have never happened." A heavy silence hung over them then, Dean rubbing at his eyes, unsure of when he had started crying.

"You were going to… kill yourself? Why?"

"Let's see, Dad died and you were off with Ruby getting your fix. If I recall correctly, you told me to stay the fuck out of your life and that you didn't need me or care that Dad had died. So it was just me and let's just say that when you're by yourself long enough, you start thinking how everything would be better without you."

"I didn't…fuck, Dean why didn't you ever say anything?"

"Because it wouldn't have mattered, you didn't come back because I wanted you to, you came back after you almost died and realized that the drugs had to stop. Besides, when was the last time you actually listened to me?" Dean watched Sam open and close his mouth several times, trying to find one example to disprove what had just said about not listening. "That's what I thought."

"I'm sorry, Dean."

The silence had returned as Dean found himself unable to accept his brother's apology, opting to change the subject. "Guess we're both pretty fucked up then? If you want I have a great therapist that might be able to help."

Sam seemed grateful for the change, "A therapist?"

"Benny recommended her, Cass talked me into going. She thinks I have Masochistic Personality Disorder, also known as self-defeating personality disorder, along with anxiety. That's why I was missing work, for the record, not because Cass had beaten me within an inch of my life." That made Sam flinch and Dean fought back at small smirk, but the feeling didn't last long. He really wanted nothing more than to curl up in bed with Cass the rest of the day and forget that this morning had ever happened.

"Oh. Then what about the bruises and wincing? You didn't say that, that wasn't because of Cass."

"You were right about that one, but before you flip you shit, it's completely consensual. When I told you I met a chick who was into bondage, I wasn't lying entirely. Except that, it's not a chick and it's more… complicated than bondage."

Both of them were blushing now and Sam looked like he was ready to be sick, "Okay, I think I got the picture. But why didn't you want to tell me that you were seeing someone?"

"I take it you don't remember years ago when I told Dad that I thought Ryan Eastley was cute in like 6th grade?" Dean forced the memory down, much like the one of the time Sam had run away and he hadn't been able to find him before their Dad had returned.

"I remember that now."

"I'm sorry that I didn't tell you, I wanted to, believe me. Because Cass is just…"He paused trying to find that right words, but none seemed to be appropriate and settled for the truth. "He saved my life, Sammy."

"I hope there haven't been any more casualties." Dean watched Sam tense up once more as Cass entered the room wearing jeans and one of Dean's Led Zeppelin shirts, but it was different than before. This wasn't Sam preparing for a fight; instead Dean recognized this as Sam being nervous.

"Only your mug, angel. Now I'd like for you to meet my big little brother, Sam. Sammy, this is my roommate turned partner, Castiel Novak or Cass."

Dean watched as they shook hands and Sam stumbled over his words trying to apologize. "Nice to meet you, I just…I apologize for my earlier behavior. It seems that this was a huge misunderstanding on my part, I just assumed that you were, well…"

"Apology accepted, Sam. I know that my brothers would have done the same in your situation and the Dean would have done the same if the situation was reversed." The atmosphere was still tense and Sam was quick to decline the offer to stay for breakfast, something that Dean was perfectly okay with. He felt sick from the entire confrontation and choose to curl up in bed, needing time to let everything settle. Cass joined him sometime later, slipping out of his jeans and curling behind him, pressing soft kisses to the back of his neck.

"Feel any better?"

"Not really, but at least Sam knows, right?"

"He would have eventually found out anyway, I'm just sorry it had to turn out this way, but maybe things can get better now."

"Maybe, but there's always that good old Winchester luck isn't there?"

"That luck will have to run out at some point won't it?" Dean didn't reply, only burrowed further into the blankets.

-Several Months Later-

"Why do you indulge him, Cass?" Dean laughed at Sam's look of disgust when Cass tossed him a box of Good and Plenty and a pack of Twizzlers as they settled in for movie night.

"Do I have to remind you that I would make you peanut butter and banana sandwiches every day after school and how disgusting it was?" He snapped back as Cass returned with popcorn and beer, taking the end of the couch so that Dean was in the middle with Sam the other side.

Bobby joined them taking the only chair in the small living room, "I know I'm getting old and my memory isn't what it used to be, but you two have almost the same exact conversation every movie night."

If you had told Dean a year ago that he would be at Bobby's house sandwiched between his younger brother and partner for movie night, he would have laughed his head off. But that's where he was, after countless therapy sessions and chick flick moments he had found peace with himself and everything that had happened in his life for the most part. Even if there were some topics that were no go areas for any reason, such as the occasional bruise that he couldn't hide, it was nice to see that he actually was allowed to be happy.


End file.
